At a time like this I always wonder what I can do to make myself better, more presentable and useful in my life. And I know I've screw up my school life and friendship quite a lot. I don't know if it's healthy or not but I didn't go the phase of rebellious teenager yet .
Most of the time, people will go through this pace around 14-15 years old something but I didn't!
Honestly, in my whole life, I've never being so obedient aka well behaved when I was 14 years old.
I was quiet and lonely during 14 because I'm a transfer student to a whole new environment. To be honest, I didn't remember much of my time during that time. I know I was sad because I didn't like the new environment and I really don't have friend there and sort of..
But things change when I was 15. I move to a new school again and I develop this new character which was don't-approach-me-or-you-will-regret and that's kinda effect who I really am. The inner me.
if there's a thing that people are struggling about education, I'm pretty sure I'm quite different.
I am naturally people who didn't succeed even if I study all day long aka study hard. I didn't do all those daily homework, studying (and most regrettable, copying notes. Most of my exercise book are empty)
BUT yet, I manage to score pretty well (above from average) and somehow when I enter form 4/ 16 years old, I was....subject shock? homework shock? because the more I try to study, the lower my score will get.
I remember studying for history test (which was my favorite subject all the time) the whole night and I got 74! I was awfully.....disappointed because I usually at least get A- and that's it! I had enough! I'll stick with what I call 'study smart'. I'll just focus on what was in the class and let my mind do whatever that I want.
it does sound cocky but this is my studying problem. I envy people who actually get better by studying all day long. I can't do that!
about friendship? Hell I was socially awkward. it takes me like few month and year to actually 'trust' that person with my jokes, my interest and so on. I used to have a best friend. really nice girl but I was rather emotional and passive person that time (I might look all bright and positive from the outside but I'm insecure about everything) and she kinda 'I'm sorry but I like to be friend with bubbly person...' and that just broke my heart. :) *sigh*
That's why I want to start a new life. I don't want to be haunt by the passive me again. I don't want to lose another friend just because I'm socially awkward. I want her to be my friend again. *sob*
She approach me again after we finished our national exam. but...I was hurt. I can never look at her the same. She stay in distance with me during the time I need her the most. SPM...
I review most of the subject for the next exam alone during break. sometime awkwardly approach people who used to sit beside me and listen to this 'acquaintance' group of studying. It was sad.
My whole world was pitch black during the 1 month of exam. I was force to cope up with everything alone.
But...this is because of my incompetence. My own fault for not being able to at least being near to perfect.
I didn't want to get hurt. That is my whole life problem. But of course, there's this person who always help me and give me advice. I'm grateful to him. I really want to trust him. but does our fate will meet again?
If yes, I want to become more presentable as a lady, a great student and a positive person. it might take me a lot of time and consider the fact I'm not prepare physically and mentally about the whole thing. becoming better isn't easy.
I'm really putting all the burden on my shoulder and yeah carry it alone as much as I can but it would have being nice if there's anyone who actually hug me and tell me to stop. till that time come or if that time come, I want to cry and actually borrowing someone shoulder.
P/S: song of the day!
Ikimono Gakari -Akaneiro no yakusoku (red promise)
and
Atsuko Maeda -Flower
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